All the Feels

Saturday was one of the strangest days that I have ever experienced. My emotions ranged from happy to stressed to angry to completely exhausted. It was a day or normalcy, then catastrophe, then redemption. Through it all, I was reminded of God’s faithfulness, kindness, and mercy.

The day began at 5am because I had to be at work at 6:30am. I work as a CNA at a nursing home, so my job is to basically provide cares for my residents. The shift actually went by relatively easily. The only issue I had was dealing with a woman whose dementia has severely progressed. Now she is physically and verbally abusive to the staff and sometimes the residents. We are doing our best to keep her safe and calm; it is truly heart-breaking to see someone so drastically different because of her mental state.

Then 2pm rolled around. I was ready to leave like normal at 2:30, but the pm staff was short AGAIN, so the supervisors asked if I could stay at all. Let’s be real here. No part of me wanted to stay. What I wanted to do was go swim at my gym and then go out to dinner with my family. They clearly saw my hesitation, but they still kept begging me to stay. So being me, I agreed to stay until 5pm. I finished my shift, but once I got in my car, I was filled with spite and anger. I couldn’t believe that I changed my plans again for work. Yes, I was still able to go to dinner with my family later, but now I didn’t get the chance to swim, and that was something that I was looking forward to doing.

Anyways, when I got home, I was spewing with negativity. I knew that this would probably carry over to dinner, but I still wanted to try to have a good night with my family since I never get to see them. That was a bad idea. Even though we had plans to go to a really cool artisanal pizza place and then get frozen yogurt afterwards, I couldn’t shake this bad attitude. This caused everyone around me to get in an awful mood as well. I felt like I was stuck in a positive feedback loop–where the more I fixated on the day, more and more hurtful comments were being said. Now, I wasn’t just angry about work, I was finding ways to attack my parents as well, even though they deserved none of that.

Eventually, I realized how awful and hurtful I was being. I was so exhausted and ashamed that I just started crying right there in the restaurant. First of all, that’s embarrassing. It gets worse,though. I was just so upset that I had let work use me and push me to my limits that I kept crying, so much so that I ended up hyperventilating… in the restaurant…with other people around. I felt terrible.

Luckily, my mom was able to get me to stop having this panic attack. It was like she was able to set aside everything I had said to her in order to help calm me down. In the car, my family was able to comfort me in a way that I did not deserve. They constantly forgive me and love me even when I am at my worst. It made me realize once again how God has blessed me. I couldn’t ask for more loving and supportive parents. I just wish I didn’t have to completely break down for me to acknowledge how much they mean to me.

I was blown away by the love and mercy that my parents showed me. It reminded me that God’s love and mercy is even greater than what I have just received. It’s so comforting to know that even when we screw up, God will still show us mercy. Jesus died for all of our sins–past, present, and future. There is nothing that we can do to make God stop loving us.

With all of that in mind, I was able to calm down, eat a butt-load of frozen yogurt, and enjoy my time at the frozen yogurt shop with my family. Even after my meltdown, our family outing ended on a high note. I realized that I need to grow a backbone and say no to working outside of my scheduled shifts if it is going to send me into a spiral of anger. I can’t be everyone’s “go to girl” all the time. Most importantly, I was reassured that God and my family will always love me–on the good days and on the bad ones. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Lots of love,
Hannah

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